my heart is breaking :'(

Another Untitled Post

I'm not really sure whether my mood swings are changing erratically or you just irritate the crackers out of me. 

But please, cut out the act now. It's starting to get on everyone's nerves. Especially mine, because people be up in my face asking what's up with your new 'talking system' as if it's my business. Might as well ask me why the Mayans (is it the Mayans?) predicted 2012 to be the end of the world. Bottom line is, I don't have a frigging idea nor does it interest me.

So now not only do I have to tolerate your speech impediment, I also have to tolerate these people who get up in my face. Daily.

Like dude, what are you trying do? What special idea are you trying to point across? 

Oh this is ironic, I am listening to Praise & Worship songs yet I am being all 'unpeaceful', grumpy and 'jahat' on my blog. I just can't stand it you know. It literally makes me wanna throw up. 

I am pretty sure your response to this (kalau ko baca ni la) would be either 'don't judge me, you never walked a mile in my shoes' or 'yala, sya la salah'. Firstly, I have my own shoes to fill. You never (nor could you ever) walk a mile in my shoes too, so you probably wouldn't know how it feels be irritated to the max but still expected to be understanding and nice. Duuuuddee. I am always expected to keep my head/be nice and calm when what I really want to do is shake some sense into these irritating people. Why can't you be the mature one for a change and be less selfish? Don't you see how your actions are making others suffer? You can't go on making up reasons for every single thing in your life.

Aren't you tired of copying people yet? You can't go on that way forever you know. And someday, your favourite person to copy won't be around. What are you gonna do then? Continue pretending to be that person? You're just gonna make yourself more confused than ever. Are you gonna hope that you copied enough of that person that you know his/her every move and then implement it? That's sick and you know it.

Truth is, everyone is gonna be alone at some points of their life. You'd be left with no one but yourself and your beliefs. It can be a sweet life-defining moment where you can really reflect on yourself. Or it can be a real depressing moment. You decide the outcome. But if you don't know who you are, you are making life hard on you. Decide now, decide wisely.

It's high time that you be yourself independently. That means, be the person you are - without having to 'refer' to someone else. Because no matter how badly and desperately you claim you are being yourself, the person you are copying knows that's not the truth. And worse still, you know that's right.

So cut out the pretentious airs, stop being the second rate version of someone else and this time when you claim you are being yourself, make sure you're not lying to your own guts.

May you have a happy and successful honest time between you and your guts :)






quit watching me and every single move I make. it's freaking me out, seriously.

GAAAAAHHHHH!!

I am mad at so many random things right now. I am just so mad.

I am mad irritated at people who type like this, "okaey shak waa" You know the person is trying to say? He/she is trying so very hard to say, 'okay saja ba'. Why go through all that trouble to come up with something so stupid just to make you look childish?

"okaey shak waa''

"oKaY sAjA bA"

"ooookaaaaiizzz saja bhaaa!!!!!!??,,"

I can't decide which one is the slime of all slime.

Mostly people who type like the above are usually teens (part of the reason why I do not approve some friends of my younger siblings on my Fb). I presume that these teens think typing a word using the most alphabets while trying to retain a slight connection between the two words is the 'in thing'. Or maybe it's a way to show off that they know their ABCs? Ugh, I don't know. But sadly, even people who are in their twenties are doing this. Why, oh why?

And then, I am mad at people who act like their daddy owns every single cent in the world. Yes, I am talking about the 'ooh-I-am-so-rich-I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-money-so-I'll-spend-it-on-my-deceitful-d*mb*ss-friends' kind of people. (Yes, I have a spending problem but I don't spend it on my friends. Furthermore, I am not talking about me now. I'll talk about it later) And I happen to know this kind of person. I mean, just to keep up appearances he takes money from his family. And he's not even close to being rich!!! The distance between his status and RICH is like light years away. And just because of him, the whole family gets the end side. The fish dude?! YOU. ARE. BROKE. Now go act like it. And then later on when they confront him about it, he'll be like 'I am the black sheep. I am useless...bla bla bla'. Wake up call! Nope, your anatomy clearly shows that the sheep and you come from different species. Well considering your choice of friends you might be slightly impaired in the IQ department, but you have other things that work just pretty fine. Like your legs, your hands and your brain can actually be persuaded to work if you just get off from your butt and do something. Argh. 

And I am mad at people who just wouldn't apologise when clearly they are in the wrong. Aiyo, "I am sorry" pun susa mo sebut ka? If cannot just say 'sorry'. Ngehh. 

Okay, I am tired being mad.

I actually forgot why I was mad in the first place. 

Hahaha! I think my mood is okay now.

Double checked. Yep, I'm good :D

Toodles people. Hopefully I find something more intelligent to blog about tomorrow. 

Of Teddies & Prince Charming

Let me introduce you guys to my other roommates :) Yep, Aching and I pay the rent between us but it doesn't mean that my other roommates are freeloaders. Ni la security guard bilik sya :D

People, meet Mr. Patches. Mr. Patches, meet the people who somehow still visit my odd blog :D Yep, that's my old diary he's sitting on. That, my friends, is the unedited version of my blog :D 

 Right! Moving on, we have..

This is Fluffy. Yes, her name is inspired by my little sister's nickname :)

Okay, and then we have..

Cheben! Haha!

I think this pic explains his name :D

Hokey, last but OF COURSE not least. Introducing..

STRAWBERRY!! :) my 21st birthday gift from my lil sis
who turned 5 a day before my 21st bday.

Time for family pictures!

 

I like each and everyone of them very much :D They're so fluffy and squishable!

O and about Prince Charming. We're not talking anymore. Sya pun nda tau napa. Even when we do, he doesn't dare to look at me in the eye. AWKWARDDD.

Dei baru mo bercita-cita jadi kawan. Mehhh. What to do la. Haih. Chances are really bleak now. Mumumu. (yes I am aware that I am making too many much much sound effects) Hnnh. 

Ba itu seja la, kalau ko kenal Prince Charming sya tulung tanya dia, ''ko nda mo kawan si lisa suda?"  

Bahahaha! But seriously, if you do know him tulung sya tanya.

Ba.

Goodnight la, penat suda membebel. God bless :)

p/s: my HUMAN roommate is awesome. Tell you guys about it later! :D

My Lips Are Sealed

Maybe I might be saying too much about my personal life here. Hmm. Maybe I should tone it down a little. What do you think? But if I avoid mentioning personal stuff in here then it might as well be someone else's blog, right? Hehh. Decisions, decisions. I'll decide when I'm sane. 

O and, I am 21. I was woken up in the morning by my family calling my phone to sing 'Happy Birthday' :) And then I spent most of the day in my bed because of fever. Grr. And tomorrow I have a test. Another grr. And then GIFTers had a simple birthday celebration :D

So, this birthday is not that bad. It's pretty awesome actually. I thank God for allowing me to live to be 21 :) O and did I mention, Mr. Hotstuff wished me a happy birthday. Well yeah, it's probably not much but it made me happy.

Getting Rid of Feelings

I am starting to care. I am starting to feel. And I don't like it, to be honest.

I somehow wish that I have the switch which I can use to switch off the feelings (macam dalam Vampire Diaries).

*sigh* I am starting to feel things I didn't want to feel again. Ini bukan post jiwang. Ini post malas.

I feel so exposed and vulnerable like this. I feel so fragile. I don't like it. Fragile is so not Elisa.

I feel insecure. 

I think I already know where this is heading. I don't want to feel like I did back in 2008. 

Bah.

Baiklah, let's upgrade those security walls and barriers. Up goes the 8ft walls. Slam goes the gates. Deepen the moat around my feelings. 

Let's do this.

You, my dearest, should not be to me more than a friend. Not because you're not good enough. It's because you're excellent. It's because I have to protect me from hurting myself through you :'( I am sure I'll regret this but I have to do it.

Catholic Renewal Seminar

Dearest Momma, sorry for not replying your message.

So here's how the seminar went. I must admit that I was not really expecting anything out of the ordinary. Ya la,  I've been to lots of Uncle Neil's talks & seminars already so I pretty much know how things go. Speaking of it, I remember the first time I felt touched by the Holy Spirit was way back when I was about 10-11 years old. It was during one of his camps too. I remember because I cried like crazy. I cried from the session, during the drive back home from church (nda jauh pun actually) until I fell asleep. I was really kinda embarrassed because others were like the usual.

So anyway, this time I told myself to prepare myself more spiritually rather than technically. And I tried. I really prepared myself for Confession. Father Lionel was really attentive and helpful. I like the way he listens and advises me. He really is like a big brother :) I really thank God for people like Uncle Neil and Father Lionel. 

Anyway, in preparing for this seminar I was able to 'renew' my 'expired' Bahasa Roh. Haha! Yep, I haven't used it since I first received it back in 2004, I think. Another reason to thank God :)

So during this seminar, I really wanted to reconnect with God. Different people may have different experiences during this seminar. I don't really want to elaborate on what I felt during each session because it surely will take time. 

There are some important things that I took note of :

1. I really need to work on my personal relationship with God.
2. There is no shortcut. You need to pray & read the Bible.
3. I need to make Jesus the king in every aspect of my life :)
4. let people know you are a Christian through your examples in daily life.

I am really grateful for the committees who have worked hard for this seminar :) Here's my heartfelt thanks:

Rayner Andrew a.k.a the Director

Superb leadership :) May God continue to show His glory through you. I am really grateful that God gave me a strong GFDD Coordinator.

Hazelynna Makerly a.k.a the Treasurer

Thanks for being thorough and wise with our expenses. Thank you also for helping with the souvenir and transportation :) May you continue to be blessed Zel.

Lorna Carolyn Miseh a.k.a the Liturgical Department

Oh sesungguhnya dirimu tidak tahu betapa bersyukurnya saya dengan kehadiranmu. Thank you for supporting me in my shortcomings and keguntalouan. Thank you Lorn :) God bless.

R. Aswin Jominis a.k.a the F&B & Accomodation Department

Thank you Win for sacrificing your sleep to feed us. Time orang lain nyenyak tidur, ko di kitchen suda kasi ready makanan. O sorry kalau sya jahat sama ko time awal pagi tu. Siou aa, nda sengaja tu. :D May God bless you.

Sheldon Salin a.k.a the Technical Department

Hoho si Angry Bird yang comel. Terima kasih diucapkan. Kalau teda ko siapa la mo urus semua tu barang kan? Thank you Don :) may God continue to bless you.

Rebecca Augustine a.k.a the Registration Department

Terima kasih diucapkan di atas name tag yang sungguh cantik itu :) Ko juga la harapan kalau pasal design-mendesign ni. I wish you were there though. Ndapa, lain kali la ho :) May God bless you.

Alvin Freddie a.k.a the Publicity Department

Ben, thank you for the beautiful poster and pamphlets. Seriously cantik tu poster. Thank you juga sebab sudia meluangkan masa walaupun sya tau ko banyak jadi AJK untuk program lain. May God bless you :)

Mattheus Michael a.k.a the Transportation Department

Ohoho adikku sayang Max, makin lama makin matang suda o ko kan. Thank you for your credit untuk meng-sms orang and for handling the transportation :) May you continue to grow in faith.

Emie, Fifie, Karl, Carol a.k.a the Prayer Team

Thank you aa. Let's continue supporting each other in prayers :)

All the other GIFTers: Thank you so much for your help directly or indirectly.

May God continue to pour His blessings on us :)

Random

Okay, if you noticed this is the first holidays which I didn't post anything about going back to Penampang :) That's because I spent my 1 week of holidays in Johor. I don't really mind because I've been pretty busy.

I attended the GIFT Family Outing from the 6th to the 7th. FUN! :D I realised that I've been missing out a lot but I don't regret my decision of spending my first 2 years centered mainly by academic and 'university-ish' activities. Because it just means that I get to bring something different to GIFT's table. :)

And now I am busy with the preparation of my department's Catholic Renewal Seminar this weekend. The participation is pretty bleak. But well, as Deacon Adrian said, it's not about me or you. It's about the Holy Spirit :) Amen to that. Still, I am pretty worried. I am worried that my coordinator is burdened by this. I try to lessen it. And I am also worried about not being able to settle my assignments before the holiday ends. Hnnh. God, You take the wheel. So yea, I am pretty busy but I am very happy and satisfied. It has been a very productive semester so far (thank God!). 

I'd be receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation tomorrow later on. I have to prepare for that too. God help us to make a proper confession.

And later on, we'd be having a fundraising event. But I don't think I would be able to help the first round. I think I NEED to go home. I have a feeling that they need us 3 (Wawa, Cheli and I).

I want to fix things that desperately need to be fixed. I have to. *sigh* 

Lord, You alone know how heavy this is. Why is it that the more we try to seek You, the more my family falls apart? I am not giving up on You yet, I know You are full of surprises. 

The cross You put on my shoulders is so heavy dear Lord that sometimes I just break down because I can't see You in the pain I am going through. I just can't see You sometimes. 

Still, I thank You for the Simon of Cyrenes You gave me. You know I'd be crushed under the weight of the cross if I stood alone. Thank You Lord for my sisters and my younger siblings who have been so understanding.

Lord I pray that after we've pulled through this, the wounds will be healed. All of it.

Thank You Lord for the strength You gave me to be able to stay sane and for all the beautiful creations around me that puts a smile on my face no matter what.

I pray Lord, that my family will pull through this. You really gotta help us Lord. Help us.

Untitled

So, I've sat for the first tests of 2 of the 'killer-est' subjects this sem. Get it? Begini, this sem sya ada 2 subject killer, sya suda ambil test pertama untuk dua2 subject. :D Namun demikian sya ada test lagi the day after tomorrow. O well, hidup student la kunun. Anyways, I want to use this time to blog. 

So I was browsing just now and reminiscing about the times I had as a kid then a teen and now a blooming adult (haha!). Back when I was a kid, I always imagined me studying abroad. Somewhere with 4 seasons and tall people with accents (preferably a place where they speak the Queen's English), somewhere I had to deal with not eating rice. I always wanted to study in the UK. Why? Pengaruh tv kali. I never wanted to study in the US because the way they portray the lives of the Americans are so kacau bilau.

And now that I am fast approaching my 21st birthday, I am imagining where I would be 5 years from now.

Entering the imagination zone...

...

7am - wake up, take my bath and have breakfast (cereal or sandwiches..yum) + cold glass of milk. Feed my dogs and head to work. (Most probably in my line of work I'd be wearing jeans + t-shirts + work boots most of the time. But this day I imagine me wearing a tailored suit with a high-waisted pencil skirt with pinstripe details and a pink silk blouse :) o and not to forget a modest yet still elegant beige peep toe pair of heels) 

Driving to work (preferably an Audi or BMW-platinum silver)

Reach work by 7.50 am :) 

Work, presentation, site visits and finally it is approaching 6pm.

Say goodbye to my colleagues and head out. 

6.30pm - Reach my apartment, change into something comfy and walk the dogs (preferably 2). Go swimming.

7.30pm - Done taking bath. Whip up some dinner. Eat on the couch facing the TV/window outlooking the view/eat out.

8.45pm - Done dealing with the dishes and laundry. Then go merayau/go kacau my family/watch movie with friends/shopping/call it an early night (depends on how I am feeling)

10pm - Do some catching up on work/masi merayau/plan what to wear on the next day/suda tidur

11pm - masi merayau/masi buat kerja sambil berkaraoke saturang di rumah/tidur dengan bahagia

12pm - penat merayau/penat buat kerja/tidur dengan nyenyak.

1am - titun :)

Wah wah wah! I can picture how I would furnish my house. I can almost see clearly the colour scheme of the walls and the lighting. :D oh oh excited! Semoga nanti sya banyak duit and kerja sya buat sya happy. 

So how do you picture yourself in 5 years?

p/s: I actually picture myself slimmer and taller after 5 years  XD

Friends & Feuds

Yes I know it is quite harsh to put the word 'friend' and 'feud' in the same sentence. But you and I know that it's the reality. As a girl, it's normal to have your own cliques with usually the same interest etc (I think this applies to the guys too). But even in the closest circle/geng paling karas, battles will happen. If it hasn't, then just wait for it. I am not being cynical or anything but that's just the way things are, you know? I've been in and out of my own circles so I have a say in this. Some times it's me who does the alienating (I am not proud of this) and some times it's the other way around. And then the alienated would find another group and start backbiting about the previous group. And that cycle goes on and on. Yeah, I got to admit that I did this a lot. DID. 

Right now I am just tired of it. As a girl, it's hard for me not to gossip and stuff. But I've witnessed so many friendships destroyed because of it that it just disgusts me. I try my best not to say stuff behind a person's back that I won't say upfront. I have always been a person who says things point-blank, now even more. I resolved not to coat my facts with sugar or pretty toppings. Instead, I try to serve it as it is. Some may like it, some may not. *sigh* Sya mo berusaha kasi turun tahap ke-hipokritan sya ba ni.

So.. The big question. Hypothetically, HYPOTHETICALLY.. if you're friends with A & B who secretly dislikes and talks behind C eventhough A & B acts as if they're okay if C to the whole world, can you still be friends with C?

My answer, HECK YEA. It's pretty tough but it can be done. I am through with taking sides. Malas ba sya. Furthermore, I am fast approaching my 21st birthday. That has to count for something right? I know that to some people maturity doesn't come with age. But as for me, I want my level of maturity to be directly proportional to my age.

How can it be done? Begini sya ajar ko. Bila A & B bercerita pasal C, ko block out tu cerita (proud to say I am good at this). Kalau nda dapat pun, try to ignore and don't pass any comments that might encourage them to talk about C. Do this when you're with C too. 

Just because you're friends with A & B, it doesn't mean that you can't be friends with C. If either of them feels that way, then that's too bad la. Go be friends with D, E, F...etc (banyak lagi huruf yang ada ba)

If you have nothing nice to say about someone or if the main intent of your comment is to hurt, be a darling and do this - SHUT UP. If you know something that you're not supposed to know - SHUT UP. It's not your secret to tell. 

Comments are essential and needed to improve one's self. But kalau setakat mo mengumpat ja, bagus nda payah. 

Syok juga ba meluah, tapi make sure you do something about it la kan.

MY KEY POINTS

1. If you have nothing nice/useful to say about someone, opt to be silent.
2. If it's not your secret to tell, don't tell.
3. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.Even the smallest lie can send a strong friendship tumbling down.
4. Be nice.
5. You may not know it, but gossip kills.
6. Think of the consequences before you say anything. (Agak2 juga tu mulut la kan)
7. Pandai2 la pilih kawan :)
8. Don't say anything about someone behind their backs that you would not dare to say in their face. 
9. GROW UP
   
   Ba sya penat sudah berhujah. Good night. May your lifestyle promote peace and love :)
   

Of Restless Thoughts & Sleepless Nights

I must check the objectives in learning Entrepreneurship because I am pretty sure that hidden between the 'skema-ish' objectives, driving the students close to sanity yet making them believe that they are using the full extent of their delicate brain has its rightful place. 

While I understand the lecturer's aim in inflating the right side of the brain belonging to us, the engineering students, I absolutely do not agree with the way he forcefully inflates my already inflated-to-a-decent-size right brain.  

You do not understand my ranting. Don't deny it, I know you don't.

Between telling (or is it reminding?) us how much he detests the brains owned by engineering students (robots, he implies), he managed to demand that we give him 100 business ideas related to Civil Engineering in a week. Pfft you say? He also demands that all the ideas must be big yet logical enough that it can actually be done. Easy you say? Yea I know all about the software ideas and stuff but tell me where can I find a REAL and EXISTING company where we can get our supplies from?

Man o man, I really respect Business and Marketing students right now. You guys are the modern world's 8th  wonder.

*breathes in and out*

Now for some good news, Prince Charming just turned plural - for good. XD

I gotta go. Need to inflate my right side of the brain with creativity. Forcefully. Ngehh.

Untitled

Hoho. It's been a quite some time since I posted anything. I've been pretty busy these past few weeks. Guess what I've been doing? DANCINGGGG!! Oh man, I can't explain just how happy I was doing what I like :) It's been a long time since I stopped dancing. This time we (my team) danced for UTM's Convo Fest. I know it's not much but all the same, it made me happy. I don't mind sweating if I am dancing. The final outcome wasn't bad considering that we only practiced for a week. And I'm glad that I remembered every single step :) Oh oh sungguh bahagia!

For the 1st week in JB I was feeling pretty down because of so many many things. And I thank God that for every storm cloud in my life there's always a silver lining. I thank God for the speedy recovery of my little pet back home. Thank You for sparing a life. Thank You for listening to my desperate call. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to actually know how to pray the Holy Rosary with all my heart. 

There's still so many things that I am struggling through right now but o I am so grateful for so many things :)

Today I went to UTM's PC Fair. Pretty good stuff. Real cheap too. Sya mo pi bili tu external 1 Tera namun sya fikir 15 kali, in the end I decided I don't have any immediate use of it. Ngeh.

I bought a cooler pad (RM 20), a mouse (RM 16) and get this, SONY earphones for only (RM 29). Hoho! Murah bebeh! I must show you my mouse (which is a fish)! The mousey fish/ fishey mouse is so cute it makes me smile :) 

kan kan kan? cumil tahap menggelupur kan? :D

see how happy she is? :)

Look how happy it looks with its eyes lit up. There's even a 'garisan mata yang sedang senyum'. I have to think of a suitable name for her (memo to myself). It reminds me of Cheli's mouse which is a mouse. Comel~

I miss the people back home so much. I know they are going through a lot right now. I want to be there for my parents, my siblings.. I know how my parents must be putting a tough front but inside they're as scared as me. Lord, take the wheel. 

My younger siblings are growing up so fast nowadays. They're really maturing. I suddenly want to take over the things which I used to detest doing for them back when I was home. Like ironing their clothes, nagging them to do their revision/homework.. Why? No idea. Maybe I am just not ready for them to grow up even though the 4 months I was home, I was trying to make them to handle their own stuff and be responsible. Aie, maybe this is the curse of being an elder sister. Hnnh.

Cheli took a random video of my youngest sister munching cereal on my Satio the other day and now, I keep playing it back when I miss them :'( mumumu. 

Mommy, Daddy I am doing as fabulous as always..don't worry kio :) Sya minta puji seja ba ni XD  

Ba good night, bisuk klas awal.

Menikmati Keindahan Ciptaan Tuhan XD

Hohoho, memandangkan sya di UTM suda makanya sya perlulah mencari sesuatu to look forward to. Mengapa? (Hoho lama sya tidak guna BM) Sebab sya suka/perlu 'memotivasikan' diri. Anu ni, susa sya mo type o. Sya rasa weird pelik blogging in BM. Stuck otak sya.

Back to the point. I motivate myself because sometimes when life gets hard, I find it hard to smile from the heart. I find it hard to be a good listener when I am not at peace inside. I also find it hard to stay strong. And this is where my 'motivators'/muse comes into picture. Hoho. *guling-guling*

I laugh a lot. I laugh when I feel awkward, I laugh when I am tired, I laugh when I am sick, I laugh when I am nervous, I laugh when someone cracks a joke (especially if the joke tidak jadi ahaha!), I laugh when I don't know what to say or how to respond etc. Well you get my point.

But the laughter has a source and it needs constant recharging. And yes, I recharge my laughter via my muse. Hoho! And these muses are usually good looking boys with queer but interesting personalities. AHAHA! Teruk o sya kan. Malu sya mo mengaku o. XD 

You know when times get hard and sya rasa macam buruk betul life sya di Johor, I look at them/him and I smile inside and outside. Terus sya rasa macam di awang-awangan ni. Haha! When the day has been treating me roughly and it feels like everything is wrong, it's natural for me to feel down. If I happen to meet one of my muses by chance during those horrid days, it'll somehow make me feel better instantly because it makes me feel kinda like eventhough everything is not working out, at least they/he are/is still as awesome as ever. Aiya, hard to explain la. Tapi memang begitu la. It's like eventhough everything is wrong, at least there's still something right  and has remained perfect. So it makes me feel better. 

It's harder for me to remain optimistic now that I am far away from home because sometimes the pessimism around and in me is so overwhelming. So this is how I prevent myself screaming from every other people who may rile me. Hoho! Terima kasih muse ku. Semoga you remain as handsome as ever and may your personality remain as cute as pink cupcakes. :) I'd like to thank you in person but it would make things awkward. I'll always include you in my prayers though :)

Akhir kata, sekiranya anda merasakan seperti kepala anda seperti sudah mahu meletup atau kemurungan mula menguasai diri anda, maka carilah ensomboi yang berperwatakan mulia dan tinguklah dia. Nescaya anda akan sentiasa bahagia. 

And to lessen my parents worries and to lessen the burden on their ever-challenged sanity(haha!) I'd like to add, praying+muse is more effective :)

Super Senior :D

I just ended my blissful holidays on the 12th. Oh how I wished it was longer. Buhuhu. I didn't manage to complete the two things that I planned to do during the holidays. But yea, it's always a give and take (pujuk diri). Aii, having long holidays is really fun and wonderful except for one thing - the arrival of a new semester. Know why? Because it's harder for me to adapt. I've been living, eating, sleeping, bathing, enjoying life happily for FREE for the last 4 months. And since there's a superb cook at home, life was really good XD 

But now, I have to plan my spending (which I really stink at). How much rice I take can mean a rise or reduction of RM 1 in my daily spendings. Who knew rice can have this much power. Hoho! I now have to don the 'responsible grown up' sash. Actually life here isn't as hard as I paint it to be. It's pretty easy. All I have to do is to take care of myself, make sure my clothes and my side of the room is clean (O! I opted to stay in a double room this semester, so I have a roommate) - basically all I have to do is take care of myself while studying. In fact, the government is paying me to study. But when it comes to planning my expenses, I stink. Momma said I have to cut down on brand name goods (cikai-cikai only most of my stuff ba). My sister said I have to cut down on brand name foods (makan kedai mamak la everyday this). I think they're right. XD Nanti sya try la kio.

O and, I am a third year student now. I feel super old. That's because I am a super senior. 

1st year - Freshie

2nd year - Senior

3rd year - SUPER SENIOR

4th year - antique, museum-worthy

I am quite excited (and a little petrified maybe?) about this semester's subjects. I've already met 2 of my lecturers and they seem okay. I hope the same with my other subjects.

O hari ni sya salah masuk kelas. Relaks lagi tu tengok orang lain. Cis, jatuh saham. 

Anyhow the beginning of this semester is treating me fine. My roommate is someone I can live with, vice versa. Bought my first book for this semester, nasib RM 25 only. I have to buy RM 75 worth of books and module for the other subject. I don't know how much I would be spending on the other subjects.

Oh Bendahari UTM, tolongla buat kerja cepat sikit. Panat sya mo bubut ko every sem. 

I miss home. Yes, I said it. I miss home. Thinking how my little sister's first UPSR paper went, how's the fever  of the little pet, whether everything's fine at home.. 

I got to go. I have to battle my way through the piles of clothing in the laundry room to wash my clothes. :D

And with that, I'll end my post by saying...

I miss the washing machine back home.

Late Night Blogging :)

This semester is nearly coming to an end. It's a bittersweet feeling actually. The end of the semester means that I finally get to be home with my family :) but it also means that another new set of goodbyes have to be said :(

This post right here has no specific point. I am just gonna say whatever comes to mind. So it really is gonna be quite helter-skelter.

You know sometimes you just need to be quiet and sometimes you need to talk. I'm really missing my family right now because I miss talking to them - all of them. Nah, I'm not feeling down or whatsoever. I am fine :) I just miss being able to talk about pointless stuff and the other person would be able to relate, you know? In short, I am just in the 'missing' mood.

I miss being able to receive and give hugs. Wawa's really good at this :)

I miss talking baby-talk with Fluffy.

I miss having serious talks about life and stuff with Momma and my sisters.

I miss bugging my brothers and parents to the point of irritation. :D

I miss my bed, comforter and bolster.

I miss being able be in the kitchen to cook and bake.

I miss creating new cookie flavours with my sis Muchauski.

I miss talking to my Grandma.

I miss creating cut-off shorts from denims they've grown out of with my ever growing 'bodyguards'. (boys talk a lot you know. Pretty much the same like girls :D)

I miss staying up watching movies with my brothers.

I miss attending the Holy Mass in Kadazan.

I miss being the 'doctor' of the family :D

Yea I miss being the doctor of the family. It has always been that way. I actually find it fun nursing my sick family members - sometimes. Haha! Oh I feel this surge of pride in me when any of them get hurt, I'd always hear "Sut! Come here, fast!" Weh, I'm not saying I like it when someone gets hurt. -__-"

There's just one catch to that though, I'd always see the messiest part. I've never had a problem with blood and all that before. But nowadays I get squeamish when I see it in huge quantities(blood bags not included). @.@ And when one of them gets sick, I find joy in cooking/preparing food and making sure they eat their meds. I really feel a sense of accomplishment in that :) 

Oh and even my daddy asks me for help :) I remember one time he had this blister thingy on his finger which was kind of swollen + gross and he asked for my help to dress it up to avoid infection. And momma even backed me up to ask him to see the doctor :)  ahh, the good old days. I remember preparing porridge for my younger siblings. I had to masak lebih though because some people like to tumpang sakit. Syok o jadi orang sakit, makan kena hantar, minum kena bagi. 

I don't really remember me being treated the same way though. Probably because I am seldomly sick and when I am, I don't really like to show it. I just sleep and say I'm tired. But it usually gets better after a good sleep. I really live by the principles of "Jangan kasi manja itu sakit" when it comes to me. So if I'm being overprotective and songeh-ish, bear with me, it's my instincts to protect. I have 6 younger siblings for goodness' sake. :D That's why. Don't get me wrong though, I don't like orang terlampau manja. I mean, if you wanna be all manja and minta kesian with your bf/gf, then that's fine by me. But don't do it towards me unless you have been granted with the title of 'boipren si elisa'. Because sya nda suka layan orang macam ni. Alaa, you know the type yang talks with squeaky voice and all that. One word. Eww. I might tahan for a little while but lama-lama you'll see my menyampah face. Yea I might kasi manja my younger siblings but not in the squeaky-alolo-voice kind of way. Bahaha! I cannot imagine the monkeys at home talking that way. Wait. Yea, they do speak that way. But only to irritate me. You know what they usually get when they talk that way? A 'dush'.

*yawns* I've run out of battery for my eyes. Nites people :) God bless you.

p/s: please ignore grammatical and/or spelling errors. Malas want to proof-read for now.

Why? Was It Something I Said?

As I've stated above. Why? Was it something I said or in this context, typed? Because to me, what I did was right. If I was wrong, then by all means correct me. I admit I have egoistic issues but if you have really strong reason to say what you said, I promise you that I would accept it with an open heart. I'm not so stuck up that I wouldn't hear you out. I will, I promise I will. 

So if you have valid reasons, then correct me. Please do.

Are you mad? I only stated what was obvious. Why? *please don't read this in an upset tone because it will mess things more*

Which part of it was my fault? Because I didn't lie. I stated things as it was, simple as pie. 

Yea, I admit I sound insensitive in that post. But I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings-particularly you. And I sincerely apologise. And I should've confronted you personally about it but I didn't know how to go about it. I mean, I didn't know what I should say and how you would react. And I don't know how to confront you anyway. It would embarrass you if I confronted you regarding the issue through a comment. I thought I'd save you from that and post an entry instead. But it clearly back-fired on me.

*sigh* Sometimes it feels as though the more honest you are, the more others choose to de-friend you. It sucks.

Still, why? Why are you reacting this way? I didn't mention your name nor did I place your link there. I didn't cause you public embarrassment, did I? Because if I did, then I am so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. *sigh* This has really been a total mess up. 

Clearly you were/are offended. Accept my heartfelt apology, will you?

It is the 29th of April in the year 2011! What else can I possibly be blogging about? Of course it's about The Royal Wedding. I'm surely gonna miss the single William. :(

So after 14 (wait, let me recalculate..2011-1997=14) yep, it is 14. As I said, after 14 years of admiring him I have to raise the white flag from the moment he said I do 'I will'.

Oi, oi. Unlike most girls who probably started to like him only today, I have been admiring him since I was a really little kid. I was like, barely 7 when I first 'saw' him. It was on TV of course. And sadly it was on his mom's funeral. Remember the Lady D and Dodi what's-his-name scandal? Yea. My mom was crying like crazy over the death of Lady D, but I was concentrating on him.

I don't know what it was about him that I admire so much (and I know Prince Harry is hotter and all that). It might be his cool, calm way of talking and his gentlemanly ways. Oh you know how crushes are. You don't even know what you like so much about them. :D You know, I even liked the fact that his teeth were yellowish which show that he wasn't vain enough to whiten them :D ugh, it's sick-I know.

Anyway, that thingy got stuck with me till this day. My exes have asked me whom do I think is the perfect man. And all of them got "Prince William" as an answer. Well they wanted the truth, so I gave them the truth.

And so on this day, I hereby announce that I shall no longer try no longer no longer have a crush on Prince William. Because liking a married man is so eww.

Anyhoo, I wish the happy couple all the happiness in the world and lots of cute babies :D May God bless them and their marriage so that they may stay true to their vows, come what may :)

You win Kate. *rolls eyes* Fine. The best lady won. Just be sure to make my William happy and I shall not begrudge you.

p/s: since the 'Prince William' spot in my life is vacant, my papers are gonna fill it for the time being. T.T 

Copy & Paste

Warning: This is another grumbly post. So if you ever did copy anything of me, kindly do not read for your own good.

Stuck

I feel like a hamster running in a wheel. You know, the exercise wheel you put the hamster in? Here's a picture to help you visualize.

It's like you can run as fast as you can but you'd always be back to where you started. I have felt this for sometime now. And I seriously don't like that feeling. 

And there was a time that I felt like a hamster in a cage. Yea, the cage gives me bigger space to run and play in a sense but when you sum it up, I'm still STUCK! Ugh.

So after some time, I began thinking of 'rebelling' out of the cage for fresher air. And I really did thought about it you know. Like, I was really seriously thinking of actually doing it. But then I felt really guilty of even thinking about it. The cage was always with me no matter what and it did give me shelter and stuff. So I decided against it. Can you believe that? I sacrificed my breath of fresh air for the sake of..I don't know, guilt maybe?

I tried to live with the thought that I am doing the right thing for some time. But the want of having a breath of fresh air never, ever left me. 

That dream of mine made me angry at that safe place of mine. I was angry because I was stuck and for all reasons. 

And now I feel like a hamster in a wheel. I can go wherever I want to go but I'm still confined. Gaaahhh! It's getting really stuffy in there, I tell you.

I was debating with myself thinking why I was acting this way. I'm supposed to be thankful (grateful even) for the fact that I have a safe space for me. In the wheel/cage/ball I was always safe because things are always predictable. It's safe, but it's not enough for me. Why am I being this way?

Then I realized that I am not a small wee hamster. I am tired of accommodating people. I don't want to be confined to anything. I don't want anyone to 'define' me. There is no stereotype of me! There is no stereotype for anyone for that matter. I don't want to be safe in a wheel/cage/ball where all I have to do is be a hamster and go 'ceet..ceet..ceet.." or something like that.

I want to be able to soar high into the heavens, to swim to the deepest part of the ocean - I just want to be able to grow to the 'size' and 'height' I was always meant to be. But I can't do that with the wheel/cage/ball. And I think the wheel/cage/ball would do better without me around. 

I'm feeling suffocated in here and I don't think I could do this any longer. I'm thankful for everything it has given me but I need something else because I was always the type who's always up for adventures and explorations. 

I wish the wheel/cage/ball all the best, but I gotta bust out from here. I'm not banishing the wheel/cage/ball though. I just want to be..umm, away-distanced maybe.


May the wheel/cage/ball find a hamster who's happy to be in it :)

I need to grow, and I want to. Even if it means I'll collect a number of scars along the way. 

And maybe someday I'll find my own safe place in which I'll be able to grow.

And maybe I will not. But I'll take that chance.

I raise my glass to a new beginning and a breath of fresh air :) 

May distance makes the heart grow fonder.