My Lips Are Sealed

Maybe I might be saying too much about my personal life here. Hmm. Maybe I should tone it down a little. What do you think? But if I avoid mentioning personal stuff in here then it might as well be someone else's blog, right? Hehh. Decisions, decisions. I'll decide when I'm sane. 

O and, I am 21. I was woken up in the morning by my family calling my phone to sing 'Happy Birthday' :) And then I spent most of the day in my bed because of fever. Grr. And tomorrow I have a test. Another grr. And then GIFTers had a simple birthday celebration :D

So, this birthday is not that bad. It's pretty awesome actually. I thank God for allowing me to live to be 21 :) O and did I mention, Mr. Hotstuff wished me a happy birthday. Well yeah, it's probably not much but it made me happy.

Getting Rid of Feelings

I am starting to care. I am starting to feel. And I don't like it, to be honest.

I somehow wish that I have the switch which I can use to switch off the feelings (macam dalam Vampire Diaries).

*sigh* I am starting to feel things I didn't want to feel again. Ini bukan post jiwang. Ini post malas.

I feel so exposed and vulnerable like this. I feel so fragile. I don't like it. Fragile is so not Elisa.

I feel insecure. 

I think I already know where this is heading. I don't want to feel like I did back in 2008. 

Bah.

Baiklah, let's upgrade those security walls and barriers. Up goes the 8ft walls. Slam goes the gates. Deepen the moat around my feelings. 

Let's do this.

You, my dearest, should not be to me more than a friend. Not because you're not good enough. It's because you're excellent. It's because I have to protect me from hurting myself through you :'( I am sure I'll regret this but I have to do it.

Catholic Renewal Seminar

Dearest Momma, sorry for not replying your message.

So here's how the seminar went. I must admit that I was not really expecting anything out of the ordinary. Ya la,  I've been to lots of Uncle Neil's talks & seminars already so I pretty much know how things go. Speaking of it, I remember the first time I felt touched by the Holy Spirit was way back when I was about 10-11 years old. It was during one of his camps too. I remember because I cried like crazy. I cried from the session, during the drive back home from church (nda jauh pun actually) until I fell asleep. I was really kinda embarrassed because others were like the usual.

So anyway, this time I told myself to prepare myself more spiritually rather than technically. And I tried. I really prepared myself for Confession. Father Lionel was really attentive and helpful. I like the way he listens and advises me. He really is like a big brother :) I really thank God for people like Uncle Neil and Father Lionel. 

Anyway, in preparing for this seminar I was able to 'renew' my 'expired' Bahasa Roh. Haha! Yep, I haven't used it since I first received it back in 2004, I think. Another reason to thank God :)

So during this seminar, I really wanted to reconnect with God. Different people may have different experiences during this seminar. I don't really want to elaborate on what I felt during each session because it surely will take time. 

There are some important things that I took note of :

1. I really need to work on my personal relationship with God.
2. There is no shortcut. You need to pray & read the Bible.
3. I need to make Jesus the king in every aspect of my life :)
4. let people know you are a Christian through your examples in daily life.

I am really grateful for the committees who have worked hard for this seminar :) Here's my heartfelt thanks:

Rayner Andrew a.k.a the Director

Superb leadership :) May God continue to show His glory through you. I am really grateful that God gave me a strong GFDD Coordinator.

Hazelynna Makerly a.k.a the Treasurer

Thanks for being thorough and wise with our expenses. Thank you also for helping with the souvenir and transportation :) May you continue to be blessed Zel.

Lorna Carolyn Miseh a.k.a the Liturgical Department

Oh sesungguhnya dirimu tidak tahu betapa bersyukurnya saya dengan kehadiranmu. Thank you for supporting me in my shortcomings and keguntalouan. Thank you Lorn :) God bless.

R. Aswin Jominis a.k.a the F&B & Accomodation Department

Thank you Win for sacrificing your sleep to feed us. Time orang lain nyenyak tidur, ko di kitchen suda kasi ready makanan. O sorry kalau sya jahat sama ko time awal pagi tu. Siou aa, nda sengaja tu. :D May God bless you.

Sheldon Salin a.k.a the Technical Department

Hoho si Angry Bird yang comel. Terima kasih diucapkan. Kalau teda ko siapa la mo urus semua tu barang kan? Thank you Don :) may God continue to bless you.

Rebecca Augustine a.k.a the Registration Department

Terima kasih diucapkan di atas name tag yang sungguh cantik itu :) Ko juga la harapan kalau pasal design-mendesign ni. I wish you were there though. Ndapa, lain kali la ho :) May God bless you.

Alvin Freddie a.k.a the Publicity Department

Ben, thank you for the beautiful poster and pamphlets. Seriously cantik tu poster. Thank you juga sebab sudia meluangkan masa walaupun sya tau ko banyak jadi AJK untuk program lain. May God bless you :)

Mattheus Michael a.k.a the Transportation Department

Ohoho adikku sayang Max, makin lama makin matang suda o ko kan. Thank you for your credit untuk meng-sms orang and for handling the transportation :) May you continue to grow in faith.

Emie, Fifie, Karl, Carol a.k.a the Prayer Team

Thank you aa. Let's continue supporting each other in prayers :)

All the other GIFTers: Thank you so much for your help directly or indirectly.

May God continue to pour His blessings on us :)

Random

Okay, if you noticed this is the first holidays which I didn't post anything about going back to Penampang :) That's because I spent my 1 week of holidays in Johor. I don't really mind because I've been pretty busy.

I attended the GIFT Family Outing from the 6th to the 7th. FUN! :D I realised that I've been missing out a lot but I don't regret my decision of spending my first 2 years centered mainly by academic and 'university-ish' activities. Because it just means that I get to bring something different to GIFT's table. :)

And now I am busy with the preparation of my department's Catholic Renewal Seminar this weekend. The participation is pretty bleak. But well, as Deacon Adrian said, it's not about me or you. It's about the Holy Spirit :) Amen to that. Still, I am pretty worried. I am worried that my coordinator is burdened by this. I try to lessen it. And I am also worried about not being able to settle my assignments before the holiday ends. Hnnh. God, You take the wheel. So yea, I am pretty busy but I am very happy and satisfied. It has been a very productive semester so far (thank God!). 

I'd be receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation tomorrow later on. I have to prepare for that too. God help us to make a proper confession.

And later on, we'd be having a fundraising event. But I don't think I would be able to help the first round. I think I NEED to go home. I have a feeling that they need us 3 (Wawa, Cheli and I).

I want to fix things that desperately need to be fixed. I have to. *sigh* 

Lord, You alone know how heavy this is. Why is it that the more we try to seek You, the more my family falls apart? I am not giving up on You yet, I know You are full of surprises. 

The cross You put on my shoulders is so heavy dear Lord that sometimes I just break down because I can't see You in the pain I am going through. I just can't see You sometimes. 

Still, I thank You for the Simon of Cyrenes You gave me. You know I'd be crushed under the weight of the cross if I stood alone. Thank You Lord for my sisters and my younger siblings who have been so understanding.

Lord I pray that after we've pulled through this, the wounds will be healed. All of it.

Thank You Lord for the strength You gave me to be able to stay sane and for all the beautiful creations around me that puts a smile on my face no matter what.

I pray Lord, that my family will pull through this. You really gotta help us Lord. Help us.