Stuck

I feel like a hamster running in a wheel. You know, the exercise wheel you put the hamster in? Here's a picture to help you visualize.

It's like you can run as fast as you can but you'd always be back to where you started. I have felt this for sometime now. And I seriously don't like that feeling. 

And there was a time that I felt like a hamster in a cage. Yea, the cage gives me bigger space to run and play in a sense but when you sum it up, I'm still STUCK! Ugh.

So after some time, I began thinking of 'rebelling' out of the cage for fresher air. And I really did thought about it you know. Like, I was really seriously thinking of actually doing it. But then I felt really guilty of even thinking about it. The cage was always with me no matter what and it did give me shelter and stuff. So I decided against it. Can you believe that? I sacrificed my breath of fresh air for the sake of..I don't know, guilt maybe?

I tried to live with the thought that I am doing the right thing for some time. But the want of having a breath of fresh air never, ever left me. 

That dream of mine made me angry at that safe place of mine. I was angry because I was stuck and for all reasons. 

And now I feel like a hamster in a wheel. I can go wherever I want to go but I'm still confined. Gaaahhh! It's getting really stuffy in there, I tell you.

I was debating with myself thinking why I was acting this way. I'm supposed to be thankful (grateful even) for the fact that I have a safe space for me. In the wheel/cage/ball I was always safe because things are always predictable. It's safe, but it's not enough for me. Why am I being this way?

Then I realized that I am not a small wee hamster. I am tired of accommodating people. I don't want to be confined to anything. I don't want anyone to 'define' me. There is no stereotype of me! There is no stereotype for anyone for that matter. I don't want to be safe in a wheel/cage/ball where all I have to do is be a hamster and go 'ceet..ceet..ceet.." or something like that.

I want to be able to soar high into the heavens, to swim to the deepest part of the ocean - I just want to be able to grow to the 'size' and 'height' I was always meant to be. But I can't do that with the wheel/cage/ball. And I think the wheel/cage/ball would do better without me around. 

I'm feeling suffocated in here and I don't think I could do this any longer. I'm thankful for everything it has given me but I need something else because I was always the type who's always up for adventures and explorations. 

I wish the wheel/cage/ball all the best, but I gotta bust out from here. I'm not banishing the wheel/cage/ball though. I just want to be..umm, away-distanced maybe.


May the wheel/cage/ball find a hamster who's happy to be in it :)

I need to grow, and I want to. Even if it means I'll collect a number of scars along the way. 

And maybe someday I'll find my own safe place in which I'll be able to grow.

And maybe I will not. But I'll take that chance.

I raise my glass to a new beginning and a breath of fresh air :) 

May distance makes the heart grow fonder.